all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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