id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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