textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
