it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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