been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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