I CAN MOONWALK!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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