He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
