She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
