Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
