giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
