I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
