I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
