i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
