he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im just a social blackout drinker.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
