Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
