i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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