final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
