i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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