I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
