Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
