My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
