marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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