I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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