what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
