Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
