You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
