shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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