One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
