New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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