I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
