remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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