I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
