the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
