pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
sarcasm needs its own font
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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