I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
