Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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