my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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