I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
