I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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