I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
