Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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