an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
