the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
