when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
