she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
