Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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