I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How external is "for external use only"?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
