Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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