If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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