So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize