I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
