Soap is not a condiment
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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