Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
