No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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