I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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