i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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