I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
