i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
