Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
