i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
