ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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