Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
