You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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