Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
