it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
