somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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